HelloOoOo everybody!
You've asked me for more horrible phrases used in spice scenes and I am happy to deliver. I am listing ten more of the worst words I have either read in spice scenes, or words and phrases that have been brought to my attention by other readers. Buckle up, we’re diving in!
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Number 1: Puckered Hole
This is often in reference to butthole, and to be completely honest it doesn't really bother me when used in that context. I mean the butthole is a puckered hole. At least it's accurate. However, I have also heard this term in regard to, wait for it, the va-jim-jam. And that's where I have a problem. Because puckered? Puckered? Lady parts can be described in many ways but “puckered” is not one of them. Unfortunately, I've seen this more than once, and every time I judged that author. Tell me you've never seen a vajoodle without telling me you've never seen a vajoodle.
Number 2: Love Canal
Believe it or not, the “canal” isn't my issue with this phrase, it's the “love” part. I hate it when genitalia gets the word “love” attached to it. Unless it's done for comedic purposes. It just feels kind of infantilizing, which is gross ‘cause it's sex. It feels like a term you'd use to describe the birds and the bees to a child. Also, “love canal” just makes me think of those Tunnel of Love rides. So now I'm just imagining this gaping hole that a ton of boats are sailing through. (Boats can be sperm…)
Honestly, “love canal” doesn't make sense in this context, anyway. People have sex without love all the time. If you must call it a “canal,” just drop the “love.” Please.
Number 3: Panties
This is one that I know people are fine with because if they weren't fine with it I wouldn't be seeing it in literally every spice scene I've ever read. But I hate this word. I fucking hate it. I have never met a person in real life who calls underwear “panties” unless they're saying “Don't get your panties in a knot.” Just call it “underwear” for the love of God.
And I can't explain why I hate this word, it's not like it's particularly offensive. But there's something infantilizing about it. And I can't be the only one who feels this way. There's not a ton of logic behind this but I cannot emphasize this enough, I hate this word. It might be the word that I hate the most on this list.
Okay actually I just refreshed myself on the rest of this list and that's not true.
“Underwear” is a perfectly fine replacement and it's right there. Use it instead. Do it for me.
Number 4: “Her Breasts Became Heavy and Full.”
Now listen, all of my tata wranglers have probably experienced this. Sometimes your boobs swell right before your period, and that's because of hormonal changes. And if you had a baby and you're lactating, I imagine your mommy milkers are gonna feel heavy. But some authors describe tatters getting really heavy and full every time the woman is aroused.
Now I did my research just to be sure, and your titties can swell a little bit during arousal, but it's mostly just the nipple, which we already knew about. But the amount of swelling your melons can experience during horniness is not nearly enough to warrant constantly bringing up their heaviness over and over again. And realistically if you're horny, I imagine the swelling you'd most notice is other in places if you catch my drift. Places that are far more relevant to the hibbidy-dibbidy.
Number 5: Fluttering Pussy
There are many things that the word “fluttering” could potentially be describing here. Maybe it's the muscles contracting. Maybe it's sexual excitement like butterflies in your stomach, except they're in your cooch. Either way, I don't know what you're talking about because vagines don't flutter. If you're trying to describe muscle contractions, you could literally just use the word “contract.” If you're trying to represent excitement and arousal, there are loads of alternatives you could use. For example, the word “wet.” It's kind of weird because the more I try and find the rationale behind this phrase, the less I hate it. Like I'm almost convincing myself it works even though I hated it five minutes ago. Is this how Stockholm Syndrome works? Honestly though, "fluttering pussy" just makes me imagine a vulva with butterfly wings flying off into the breeze. Be free my child…
Number 6: “He Pounded Her Cervix.”
I have a theory about why people write this. This trope is usually utilized to imply that the dude's dick is soooo big. However, the cervix is 3 to 6 inches within the vaginal canal. So the dick doesn't have to be big to reach it. It just has to be average. Additionally, anyone who has had this happen to them can tell you one thing unequivocally:
It hurts. A lot.
But this shows up in a lot of spice scenes, and for some reason the female character enjoys it. Because his dong is soooo big. This brings me to my theory, the people who write this trope are either: A, cis men who know nothing about the female anatomy. Or B, cis women who have only experienced teeny tiny ding-dongs. So if you're a woman and you're writing the trope, let it be known, I'm looking at your husband and I'm thinking…
Number 7: Curls
This is another one that has no logic to it. A lot of writers refer to pubic hair as “curls,” which I completely understand. “Pubes” isn't exactly the sexiest word, so they're trying to class it up. The thing is when I hear the word “curls,” I can't help but imagine a crotch covered in ringlets. Like this person went out and got a pussy or a dick perm. So now I'm reading this spice scene full on imagining a crotch that looks like the Cowardly Lion's mane. Again, there is nothing wrong with this word. Continue to use it as you please. But my brain hates me and doesn't want me to enjoy reading.
Number 8: “A Tangle of Tongues.”
How long must your tongue be to get tangled with another tongue? I know I'm not supposed to take it literally, but I'm autistic, so I'm gonna take it literally. I'm out here imagining Venom in this make-out sesh. I'm imagining tongues that are knotted together. I'm imagining so many things and none of them are hot. You didn't do your job with this one, authors. It didn't give what you wanted it to give. This isn't as bad as some of the options on this list, but it's still enough to pull me out of the story.
Number 9: "Her Pussy Dissolved Into Wet Glitter.”
It did what?! Obviously, this is a metaphor for the Big O, and usually, I don't mind metaphors in this context because climaxing can be kind of hard to describe. But “wet glitter” isn't the way to go. It creates a very alarming visual and it's fucking gross. I know it's not literal but I can't help but imagine a kitty-cat filled with wet glitter. That can't be good for her vaginal health.
And you're never gonna get rid of it. You're going to give birth ten years later and the baby will come out covered in glitter. There are so many other metaphors you could use. "She shattered around him.” “She reached her crescendo.” But you went with arts and crafts. Messy arts and crafts at that. Now her Big O just sounds like a kindergarten teacher's nightmare.
Number 10: "It Was the Length of Her Forearm.”
Absolutely not.
So that's all I've got for you today!
Have you read any of these cringy words or phrases in spice scenes? I would ask you to tell me your least favorite in the comments below, but . . . um . . . Google may not like that very much.
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