Worst Words Used in Spicy Writing 2

HelloOoOo everybody!

I'm back again with even more terrible spice. A while back, I talked about some of the worst descriptions I have read in spicy scenes, usually in romance books of some kind. I told you I'd come back with a part two, and that was really easy to do, because, holy crap! Authors are out there writing the worst spice imaginable.

So today I'm hitting you with another list of some of the worst words that I have read during spice scenes. Almost every single word or phrase on this list is something that I have read in more than one book. That means this is prevalent, which also means I might be in the minority with these opinions. I am certain that people will have zero problem with some of the words on this list, and that's fine. But this is my list, not yours, and I'm very picky about vocabulary.

A friendly reminder that I am a human being, with constantly evolving tastes, so I reserve the right to change my mind. Also, a friendly reminder that this is no shade to the romance genre. I am a romance author myself. It is one of my favorite genres. I love it so much. But every genre can have its flaws, or its crappy books, or crappy spice. Now I'm going to share with you the spice lingo I hate and why I hate it.

If you haven’t already, don’t forget to also subscribe to my YouTube channel for more writing tips, sarcasm, and of course, more of Princess Butters!

Number 1: Bottom

To be clear, I am not talking about bottoming. I'm talking about sex scenes where an author grabs a butt and calls it a “bottom.” I have not heard anyone in real life refer to a butt as a “bottom” since elementary school. It's not gross like most of the options on this list, it's just juvenile. I feel like I'm reading a sex scene meant for an audience of children, and that's gross. And I understand not everyone wants to call it an ass, but you don't have to call it an ass. “Bum” is right there. Call it a bum. Even “buttocks” are a better option. I mean, not by much, but I'll take it. “Bottom" is one of those words that just makes it seem like the author was scared of writing the actual body part. But you’ve committed to a sex scene, which is an undeniably graphic activity. If you can't muster up the courage to say “ass," maybe this gig isn't for you.

Number 2: Essence

I'm gonna let you guess what the word “essence” could possibly mean in the middle of sex. Essence, which is defined as the intrinsic nature of something that determines its character. Essence, which is also defined as the property of something without which it would not exist. What could “essence” possibly refer to in the middle of boning? The intrinsic nature of this person, the thing that determines their character, that makes them exist . . . is jizz.

I've read “essence” in multiple sex scenes–usually romantasy of some kind–and I had no idea what they were talking about for the longest time. It was months later, upon rereading one of those horrendous scenes, that it finally clicked. Why are you giving so much power to something that teenage boys are squirting into socks on a daily basis? This is a fail for me, it doesn't work, it doesn't make sense. I don't like it.

Number 3: Weeping Cock

I understand it's not exactly pretty to describe the act of ejaculating. In fact, that's gonna be a recurring theme in this video, unfortunately enough. Writers might feel compelled to think up a different verb, something to dress up the moment. The fact that so many authors have settled on “weeping” is beyond my comprehension. You chose to describe an orgasm, an intense moment of pleasure, as the ultimate sign of grief. I get that we're not supposed to take it literally. But how can we not take it literally when you use the word “weeping.” I guarantee everyone's just imagining an inconsolable penis. Ship that dick off to therapy. It needs some help.

Number 4: Drooling Pussy

Someone somewhere said that it can't get any worse than “weeping cock,” and authors everywhere said, “Hold my beer!” There are so many ways to describe a wet vagymjam, and you chose the one word that is often associated with oral surgery. You chose one of the grossest mouth-related events, and that's saying something. Some people put their mouths on buttholes.

Drooling happens when you sleep with your mouth open, or when you’re hopped up on Vicodin. And now drooling happens when a woman is aroused which paints a really unpleasant picture. There are so many sexy words you could use here, so I just don’t understand the rationale of choosing “drooling.” I don’t like it.

Number 5: Sheath

I don’t mind if you use the word “sheath” as a verb. For example, “He sheathed himself inside of her.” However, quite a few romantasy authors use the word “sheath” in a noun form to refer to the vagina and my vocabulary-obsessed brain cannot handle this. “Sheath” has multiple definitions. Its most commonly understood definition is that it’s the cover of a sword. However, a sheath is also defined as a condom. A fucking condom. Which is a sex thing in case you didn’t know.

So when you call a vagina a “sheath” it’s really hard for me to imagine it in a non-condomy way. And yes, “sheath” is also defined as living tissue enveloping other living tissue, but usually that living tissue is all within the same body, not a vagina enveloping someone else's penis. I know it's pedantic, but trust me, the autism is strong with this one. But I can't read a scene like this and not imagine a vaginal condom. At best, it's vaginal foreskin.

*I realize the word “vagina” comes from the Latin word for “sheath." So that's probably why so many romantasy writers use this word. And it makes sense. It's logical. However, the meanings of words change over time. I certainly don't hear this word and think of a vajangle. So while it's not the worst one on this list, I’m still not a big fan.

Number 6: Suckling

As in suckling a woman's nipple. Not sucking, suckling. “Suckling" means to drink milk from a teat, so if you are describing someone suckling on a nipple you are literally saying that they are being breastfed. I thought it was common knowledge that this is something only babies do. Not grown men. Unless you have a kink. Or you’re Homelander.

I recently read a sex scene which to be fair was pretty shitty overall, but when the man leaned down to suckle on the woman's nipple, I almost threw my Kindle across the room. This man went from Adonis to baby goat in a single sentence. What happens next? Did she burp him? Did he shit his diaper? Did she wipe his ass? I've heard of man babies but this takes this to a whole new level I wasn't prepared for.

Number 7: Splashing

You know you've got a special sex scene on your hands when you read the phrase, “His seed splashed into her.” That's right folks, his jizz splashes. Like a dolphin or a child with arm floaties. I think we can all agree that the act of ejaculating is more of a squirt. And I'm not saying you should say that he squirted, but where does “splash” come into play? Actually, why are we describing the verbiage of jizzim at all? He climaxed. He orgasmed. He came to completion. He…came. There is no need to splash all over your characters and yet for some reason this is what authors chose to write and I will never forgive them for it.

Number 8: Mushroom Head

First of all, Mushroom Head is the name of a band, so that's where my mind is going. Second of all, we have covered this. You have so many options when it comes to describing dicks. And you chose “mushroom head.” Like a fucking idiot.

There should be jail time for describing a penis in such a gross fashion. Listen, dicks in general, are not the most aesthetically appealing body part. So, when you take a body part that already looks kind of weird, and then you compare it to fungus, I don't know what kinda reaction you're expecting. You could’ve said shaft, erection, or cock. These are all very powerful synonyms for the dangle-do. And if you're just talking about the head, call it the head of a dick, for God's sake. You went with “mushroom head” like a psychopath.

Number 9: She Was Like a Little Girl Down There

I really don't think I need to explain why this is on the list. Before you ask, yes, I have read it more than once. And yes, it was always written by a man. Of course, it was. I personally think we should take all these men who are telling on themselves, and round 'em up, and feed ’em to sharks. We'd be doing the world a service.

Number 10: Fisting

I know what fisting means. You know what fisting means. And if you don't know what fisting means, please don't make me tell you what fisting means. But for some reason, romance authors all over the world are using the word "fisting" in their sex scenes without any understanding of what they're saying.

To be clear, whenever I have seen this word in a sex scene it was written like “He fisted her hair, and pulled her close.” That is not what fisting means in a sexual situation. Yes, there are two definitions of fisting. One means to hit with or form a fist. But the second one is the one we're all thinking in the middle of a sex scene. So stop it!

I'm just saying you're not achieving what you think you're achieving. Just Urban Dictionary it, Boomers. Now if someone is actually getting fisted, then have at it. If not, maybe save the word for never.

So that's all I've got for you today!

Don't forget to check out my romantasy novels, I promise they don't use any of these words. The Savior's Champion and The Savior's Sister are available at all major retailers, and you wanna get on the hype soon, because The Savior's Army, which just so happens to be the steamiest of the books, is coming out really soon.