HelloOoOo everybody!
Today, I am here to do what I do best. Make people mad. Writers are like all human beings on this earth, which means they have the capability of being really fucking stupid. As someone with a large platform who has met literally thousands of writers and has been asked countless questions, I've seen it all. And if there's one thing I've learned from this experience, it's that common sense ain't common. So today I'm breaking down some of the dumb shit writers say that really doesn't paint them in the best light.
Now, to be clear, just because you said something on this list doesn't mean you're dumb. We've all said dumb shit at some point. One time I said to my sister, "You know if your legs were longer, you'd be taller!” That happened twenty years ago, and she still hasn't let me live it down.
So don't beat yourself up if you've said something from this list, and take comfort in the fact that it's on this list because it's so damn common. Like I hear this shit at least once a week. Writers, you really need to stop. Let's examine the stupidity and dissect exactly why it ain't so bright.
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Number 1: I’m Not a Regular Writer, I’m a Dark Writer!
“This book isn't like any other book. It's filled with death, tension, and murder.”
Oh, so you mean, like most other books? This mindset is very common among newbie writers. They enter a writing community like an edgelord, boasting about how dark and dangerous their writing is, and they never get the reception they're hoping for because everyone else's manuscript is also dark and dangerous. Look at the basics. If you're writing a thriller, you're probably writing about death. If you're writing a mystery, you're also probably writing about death. A horror novel is almost definitely about death. Sci-fi and fantasy also have a hell of a lot of death. It's not new. Even romance can feature death. Hell, dark romance is its own subgenre, and that shit gets wild.
This is not to deter anyone from writing dark fiction. I mean, I kill at least eighteen people in The Savior's Champion alone, but so do at least half of all authors. That's the point I'm making. It's not edgy to kill off characters. You are very much a regular writer, and that is perfectly fine.
Number 2: I Couldn’t Find Any Clean Books, so I Wrote One Myself
I call bullshit. I am a cussy author who writes about decapitations and genitals. I do not go out of my way to pick up clean books, and yet, I somehow manage to read them all the time. The book I am currently reading is a clean book. I did not seek it out. It just ended up in my TBR. And this happens because clean books are everywhere.
To catch you up, a clean read is a book that doesn't feature any graphic violence, cussing, or sexual situations. And if you think the term “clean reads” is a problematic label, that's because it is. However it's so commonly understood, that I don't think clean authors have any choice but to follow along with that label.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with writing clean fiction. It's just that a lot of clean authors will make their sole sales pitch revolve around the cleanliness of their writing. It's what their entire platform’s all about. Many also claim that being a clean author is a hurdle for them in the industry, and that just isn't true. A hurdle would be systemic discrimination within the publishing industry, not excluding the word “fuck” from your book. No one got denied publication because there wasn't a penis on the page.
Now occasionally clean authors will directly condemn unclean authors. It's certainly not a universal habit. Plenty of clean authors are lovely, wonderful human beings. But when it does happen, it comes across as a very shallow brand of moral superiority. Ultimately, I just feel like the clean author crew could use better PR at this point. I've read the books. They have plenty of marketable qualities, so tell me about the actual story, please.
Number 3: How Do I Know if I’m Meant To Be a Writer?
How the fuck should I know? Do I look like some all-knowing being? Am I one of the fates or muses bestowing upon you wisdom and gifts? I think writers who ask this question have a really romanticized and unrealistic view of the industry. Writers are artists. We play make-believe in our imagination and write it down. That's it. Some people have natural talent. Others don’t.
But regardless of whether you're naturally talented or not, every single author needs to work at their skill set and grow their craft in order to become a truly good writer. So the concept of “meant to be” isn't exactly relevant. No one is waving a wand and granting you the gift of prose. It's up to you to study the craft, learn structure, research grammar, and read lots and lots of books. If you're doing all that, then yeah, maybe one day you'll be a good writer. Or maybe you're already a good writer. But if you're just sitting around waiting for destiny, then that's probably what you're meant to do. Sit on your ass and do nothing.
Number 4: I Don’t Sell Any Books Because No One Appreciates My Genius
Alternate phrasing is, “I don't sell any books because I'm ahead of my time.”
Writers who make this statement usually fall into a very specific category. First, they are typically middle-aged men. I don't know why, I don't make the rules. Second, they self-published. This is not a dig at self-publishing. I am an indie author myself, and I love it, but these dudes give us a bad name. Third, they did not hire a professional cover artist or editor, and it shows. And fourth, they do not have an online presence, and they have not marketed or promoted their work in any way, shape, or form.
Buddy, this has nothing to do with your genius or lack thereof. People aren't reading your book because, literally, no one knows it exists. And if they do somehow stumble across it, it looks like absolute dog shit because your cover art is clip art and your blurb is filled with typos. It does not take a genius or a writer ahead of their time to know that everyone judges a book by its cover and everyone prefers stories that are not littered with mistakes. Your story may very well be amazing, but it didn't stand a chance in hell because you've set it up for failure. It's time to stop blaming ignorant readers and start looking toward your own ignorance. The call is coming from inside the house.
Number 5: Audiobooks and Ebooks Aren’t Real Books
We get it, your classist and ableist. First and foremost, physical books are not a luxury everyone can afford. That's the entire reason libraries exist. Ebooks are priced a lot cheaper than paperback and hardback books, which makes them much more accessible to low-income families, and if that gives you the ick, that's a you problem.
Second, I don't know if you're aware, but some people struggle to or physically cannot read paperback and hardback books. I know dyslexic readers who prefer ebooks because they can switch the font to a more dyslexic-friendly style. I know people with severe arthritis who struggle to hold a book and turn the page, so they have a much easier time listening to audiobooks. And I know blind people whose main access to literature is through audiobooks. You know, because they're blind.
And even if you're not low income, or you don't face any reading difficulties, some people just prefer audiobooks or ebooks, and that's okay. It's also okay to prefer paperback or hardback books. The point is, that your preference should not dictate what is available to others. If you don't like ebooks or audiobooks, don't consume them, but you shouldn't shame other people who are simply living their lives. Find something better to do than yucking someone's yum.
So that's all I've got for you today!
This list grows longer with each passing day, so I'm sure I'll be updating it in the future. What are some dumb things you've heard writers say? Comment them below.
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