HelloOoOo everybody!
It's no secret this gig comes with haters. Sometimes they're strangers on the Internet. Sometimes they're acquaintances or friends. Sometimes they're family. Pass me the bottle, ’cause I am listing the 10 haters you meet when you become a writer. I actually covered this topic years ago, but I was a mere babe to the writing industry. I only had five haters to list. Now I'm older, wiser, and extra salty, and I'm here to deliver a new and improved list for you to enjoy!
These are some of the ten biggest haters you will meet when you become a writer. A quick disclaimer: this list, like all the other lists, is supposed to be in good fun. So I'm not going to talk about trolls, spinners, stalkers, or harassers because that would totally kill the vibe. We're just here to be jolly and bitch about ho ho hoes…
This video is sponsored by Skillshare. As always, all opinions are my own.
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Number 1: The Skeptic
This person, for whatever reason, either doesn't believe you can write or requires evidence in order to substantiate your career. "Oh, so you're a writer, huh? So you're just like JK Rowling? Are you writing a book about a school of wizards? What have you published? Show me! If it's not published, it doesn't count. Oh, it is published? Have you sold 1.5 million copies yet? If you're not at seven figures, it doesn't count. I read that somewhere. Your books aren't on TV? Time for a new job, loser!" Can you imagine if all jobs were regarded this way? "Oh, so you're a surgeon? Prove it! Cut me open."
Number 2: The Snob
There are so many different kinds of snobs in the writing industry that you'd think we were all super rich and successful, but it turns out most of us are just impoverished embarrassments to our families. The two most common snobs you will come across are the genre snob, and if you're an indie writer, the publishing snob. The genre snob will most likely turn their nose up to fantasy, sci-fi, and romance because their genitals have crusted over and they're incapable of having any fun at all. A close relative of the genre snob is the category snob, who probably believes that any book outside of the young adult category is stuffy, boring, and gross. Then there's the good ol' publishing snob, who's been cryogenically frozen since the 80's. Indie authors make six figures, are featured in bookstores, and have movie deals? Balderdash! You could pry their ignorance out of their cold, dead hands.
Number 3: The Hate Reader
You know those people who go into a book with their minds already made up. Why are they like that? Sometimes they hate the author. Sometimes they hate the genre. But they read the book anyway, then bitch about it to anyone who will listen. "I don't like Twilight, there were way too many vampires." Vampire fiction tends to be like that. "And the characters? Ugh. I just don't like reading about teenagers, at all." Here's an idea: don't read books about teenagers. Just a thought. Listen, I'm not here to kink shame. If you're a masochist, do you. But stick to torturing yourself. You don't have to torture the rest of us with your complaints.
Number 4: The Rival
Sometimes authors see other writers as competition, which makes complete sense. It's not like readers can be fans of more than one book at the same time. It's also not like authors can provide a beneficial promotional network for one another. That would be stupid! I've heard of writers who gave all the authors in their writing group one-star reviews hoping that it would drive readers away from their books and toward their own. All it did was destroy their reputation and network. Bet ya didn't see that coming... The best part is the more reviews a book has, the greater exposure it gets on review platforms, even if those reviews are one-star. Congratulations! You just promoted your “rivals" and ostracized yourself. Brilliant move.
Number 5: The Pseudo-Intellectual
"So, you're writing a book? I'm smart, too! Let me prove it for the next five hours." If you're a man, this guy will probably ask to grab a few beers and “pick your brain.” And if you're a woman, he's gonna offer to mentor you. "I run a convenience store and have never written or published anything in my life, which means I am the perfect person to tell you exactly how to run your platform. Oh, you don't want to listen to me desperately compensate for my insecurities? Well, you're a...ignoramus and a...grimalkin! That means bitch! Bet you didn't know that, 'cause you don't have a mentor like me."
Number 6: The Person Who Wants To Square Up
There are lots of people who find the word “author” threatening. "Oh, so you're an author? What are you trying to say? You think you're better than me because you know words and can write them?" I don't understand where this mentality comes from since writing is a career that is widely looked down upon. Plus, lots of authors are idiots. There's nothing special about us, I promise you. Put the knife down.
Number 7: The Tagger
This person tags you in negative reviews, 'cause they're an asshole. "But Jenna, my opinion matters!" Sure it does, just as much as every other opinion on the planet, and believe it or not–authors don't have time to listen to all of them. "But Jenna, I have feedback!" Authors find feedback helpful when it comes from beta readers, critique partners, editors, or proofreaders. Not whiners on the Internet. It's your prerogative to leave reviews, but the fact remains reviews exist for readers, not authors. They're a recommendation or a warning to someone who plans to pick up your book. Show some basic etiquette and leave authors alone.
Number 8: The Person Who Thinks Your Job Doesn’t Count
"Writing isn't a real job." Well, I make money off of it, so yeah, I think it is. What constitutes a real job? Or are these just your own arbitrary standards that you expect me to follow? You could be a best-selling author making a solid income and you will still meet people who tell you your job is not real. Trust me, I know. "So are you still unemployed?" I work 12-hour days, seven days a week. How's your cubicle? Still an endless pit of despair? Well, on the plus side, at least it's a real job...
Number 9: The Interrupter
"I'm getting really close to the release of my book! Right now it's with the editor, and then after that, all I have to do is–”
"Oh my God, the CRAZIEST thing happened at work. A woman peed herself! Can you believe it?”
"So anyway, it's with my editor and I think I'll be getting the first round of edits in about–”
"Have you heard from Aunt Judy lately?”
"No, I haven't. But anyway, my book is really–”
“She's gotten fat. Like, really fat."
"All I have to do is write–"
"SO fat!"
I don't know if the interrupter fits the definition of a hater, it's just more of a hunch. How can you lack so much self-awareness that you mindlessly interrupt the same person whenever they just so happen to mention their– "Guess what, guys! I have hemorrhoids!"
Number 10: People Who Could TOTALLY Be an Author…You Know, if They Wanted To
"Oh, I could DEFINITELY write a book. You know, if I had the time." Being a condescending dick must really eat away at your schedule, don't it? "It's easy to write a book! I've got an entire story written in my head." Really? Why don't you crack that brilliant brain open and show us?
So that's all I've got for you today!
When people throw these lines at you, try not to get annoyed, offended, or infuriated beyond measure. Just remember that you did something so many people dream of yet are never able to achieve. Let them make their patronizing comments while you keep being the badass wordsmith you are.
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